East or West

Wow, there’s a lot to say…

I feel rusty. And without throwing a pity party, I must also admit that I don’t feel worthy to write in any public eye. I don’t believe that I have anything especially profound to impart, but just maybe He does…I pray that He does. So with the little family dachshund on my lap and the crooning Mat Kearney inspiring my mood, here it goes…

If you know me personally, you most likely know my recent background. I’ve never really settled down anywhere. Throughout the past six years, I’ve had a wide array of miscellaneous jobs in three different states and have traveled to 18 countries. I don’t regret any of it…or at least, that’s what I tell myself. And if in reality I do regret some of it, I tell myself that I actually don’t and move on with my daily tasks. It’s not worth thinking about regret for an overextended period of time, right?

The reason why I’ve hopped from summer camp counselor to waitress to worldwide missionary to college student to children’s pastor to Chikfila manager to other things is indeed two-fold. I can surely blame it on my sense of adventure. I love experiencing new things, places, people. In my mind, I’ve lived up to the North Face slogan and have checked off numerous bucket list items…things that five years ago, I never would have imagined myself partaking in. However, my longing to “never stop exploring” isn’t the sole reason for this wandering.

I’m a people pleaser. I’m just as much a God-pleaser. It would be pure fabrication to say that my God-pleasing has been upright and pure. My “God-pleasing” has been restless. While trying to come to terms with what the heck God would have me do in this next season, I’ve been “working.” I’ve been working so hard at trying to find His perfect will that I’ve been neglecting His peace. I’ve been grappling with this concept of rest for a few months. It’s more simple than  it seems. Abide. Why can’t I just abide, living each day and moment knowing that I am wrapped in the arms of the One who loves me most?

Abide in the Savior.

You’ve never failed me and have always taken the best care of your daughter.

He even provides me with free lunch from a random Vietnamese woman…

I vividly remember God speaking to me while in Vietnam this June. He told me that I had His blessing…that whatever direction I chose, He would bless it immensely. That took a weight off my shoulders. It made me think, “My Father is pleased with me. He doesn’t condemn me.” Why am I so caught up in trying to make the “perfect” move? Why do I have any reason to doubt that He won’t use the passions and dreams that He Himself placed in my being wherever I wind up?

And then I came across this quote three days ago…

“I think we are spending a lot of time asking God to tell us what to do when the whole time He’s asking us what we’d like to do instead. I think He’s asking us what’s in our hearts, what makes us come alive, what ignites our passion and saves many lives.” – Donald Miller, Storyline (available September 6)

And believe me, I’m still grappling though all of this…especially as I’m on the brink of leaping into something new once again. I wish I could tell you what that new thing might be. I have a few options…and only a few days until it all happens. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy. I’m just an indecisive person learning to be decisive. Either way, He’s teaching me. Either way, I’m being refined. And either way…we’re all crazy in some way, shape, or form. Either way, He still loves us more than we can make sense of.

Seeking God. Resting. Basking. Adventuring…

Myself and sister Lindsay hiking in PA on Sunday…overlooking the Susquehanna River.

It’s funny. I’ve been working on this little post for a few days now. And as I wrap it up, it looks like I may have decided upon a particular direction. More to come…

Love to all, friends!


3 thoughts on “East or West

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